Rainbow Algorithm: Dispatch #1

Colorful Dispatches from Late Stage Capitalism

Hello! If you’re here now, it’s because you love me, and maybe (maybe!) because you think I like nice things.

I sometimes brag that I’ve perfected my Instagram algorithm, such that everything I get an ad for is something I actually want. These things often include velvet furniture, DIY home decor, and extremely colorful gender-neutral clothing. The dark reality of surveillance-corporatism is a horrifying one, and as I navigate it, I find, somewhat self-consciously, that I in fact still love..stuff. This isn’t a particularly complex take, nor is it (or this newsletter) intended to be. But if you’re in the same boat I am, like any of these things, or are looking to get me a present you know I’ll like, feel free to stick around.

I have no alliances or agreements with any of the brands or items I feature, and most of them I don’t even buy, although if I have, I’ll let you know what I think. If there’s anything I’m not including in this newsletter that would be helpful for you (more info on sizing or shipping, different alt-text or image captions, etc.) just reply and let me know.

Here we go!

3/18/22: Press-On Nails

I bought one set of press-on nails a month ago, and now I get ads for nothing else. I’ve looked at hundreds, and here are my favorites. Not included here are the gel-ly kind that come flat for you to stretch over your nails. I do not believe that they will work and can only imagine getting extremely sticky fingers. This is a completely uninformed opinion.

I have also noticed that every photo of press-on nails seemingly features the same white person with extremely long, skinny fingers. I have named them Melanie. I do not feature Melanie below, because we are not here for Melanie, we are here for the nails, and Melanie’s persistent presence reinforces monolithic white supremacy and fatphobia. Melanie, take a fucking vacation and give us some new nail models please.

• Double Mint by Chillhouse

  

  Image ID: An assortment of almond-shaped, medium-length press-on nails scattered on a beige surface. The nails are divided by wiggly lines, one half of each nail is either dark green or blue, and the other half of each nail is beige. Above the nails there is a holographic rectangle on which rest a small nail file, a wooden tool to push back nail beds and remove nails, and a small tube of nail glue.

• Winding Green by Glamermaid

  

  Image ID: Five medium-length, almond shaped press-on nails covered in squiggles in varying shades of yellow, green, and light blue. They are resting on a white surface.

• Rainbow Waves by Glamermaid

Image ID: Five press-on nails on a white surface. The nails are almond-shaped and medium-length. They are painted a very light purple, with blue, pink, and yellow squiggles down the center.

• Wave by Glamermaid

Image ID: Five short-ish press-on nails on a beige surface. The nails are differing tones of purples with very thin wiggly lines and polka dots- each nail is different. Are all these white and beige surfaces also subtle signals of the white supremacy that Melanie indicates? I think perhaps.

• Bad and Blue by Glamermaid

Image ID: Five medium-length press on nails on a white surface (again). The nails are light pink with light blue flames outlined in dark blue.

• Blue Ripple by Glamermaid

Image ID: Five short-ish press-on nails with flat tips on a white surface. The nails are varying patterns of light and dark purple, and some include dense scribbles of thin white lines in wave-like patterns.

• Golden Line by Glamermaid

Image ID: Five short-ish press-on nails with flat tips on a white surface. The nails are white with light pink tips, outlined in a yellow squiggle (the degree to which I am into wiggles and squiggles is becoming clear).

• Wavy Blues by Glamnetic

Image ID: More squiggles! Five medium-length almond-shaped press-on nails against a white background. They are painted beige, with varying shades of blue squiggles on each one.

• Wild Card by Glamnetic

Image ID: I almost included Melanie here, but I really didn’t want them to be involved, so this photo isn’t great. This photo includes 10 different, medium-length, almond-shaped nails, all with beige backgrounds and varying pop-art ish (sometimes wiggly) patterns in varying pastels.

• Blue Jelly by PaopaosNails

Image ID: Five medium-length, almond-shaped press-on nails on a white wooden surface. The nails are translucent and the color of very blue water. They also include varying blobby shapes of the same color on top of each nail.